


Queen- The daily shithappening

by ItsChr



Category: Queen (Band)
Genre: Comedy, Fluff, Fluff and Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-31
Updated: 2020-06-10
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:00:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 6,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24473170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ItsChr/pseuds/ItsChr
Summary: You all know the band Queen, founded in the distant year 1970. They hit one hit after another. But what happens when the camera is off, the curtain falls? In this story, I put together all sorts of stuff that I imagine could have really happened, inspired by incorrect quotes from Tumblr
Comments: 2
Kudos: 22





	1. the audition

**Author's Note:**

> Ok ... It is probably best if I introduce myself first, so: Hi!  
> My name is Chrissi, I'm new here ...  
> 14 years old, huge fan of Queen and therefore writer of this story ..  
> In short: It is just a story about four friends who found a band and experience a bunch of strange stuff.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 1, in wich Roger gets coffee and Deaky falls.

Freddie and Roger layed on the old couch together, staring out the window. " At some point," muttered Freddie, "we should look after a bass player." "Hmm". Roger sat up and looked cloudy through his roommate. The apartment was cramped, untidy, and it smelled of smoke, not least from Roger, who lit one cigarette after the other. "Roger, dear?" Freddie hit his buddy's face a little. "Hmm?" Roger yawned long and hard before getting up and groping into the kitchen, where he threw up into the sink. "Maybe yesterday's drinking was not such a good idea ..." said Freddie and also got up to make coffee. Roger lazily wiped his mouth on his shirt sleeve. "Yeah". "Come on, will you say a reasonable sentence today, honey?" Roger shrugged and dropped back onto the sofa. Dust whirled up and Freddie had to sneeze.

He awkwardly balanced two half-filled coffee mugs to the coffee table. Just as he was about to give Roger his, someone knocked on the front door and Freddie dropped it on his roommate's lap. Shaken by the sudden baptism of coffee, he jumped up and banged his head on the living room lamp, which was hanging much too low. Then he sat down again and rubbed his skull. Freddie sighed. He went to the door and pulled it open (it had been stuck for weeks). Brian stood on the cheap 'home' door mat and pushed past him with a fleeting "hi". Freddie tried to push the door shut again, but failed and decided to just leave it open. He followed Brian into the living room.

"What happened to him here?" Brian asked startled when he saw the chaos. He hurried over to the hungover Roger, who had taken off his shirt and was sitting there dazed with scalded hands, thighs and stomach. "He needs a doctor!" Brian called alarmed and was about to rush to the phone, but Freddie held him. "Let it be," he said, pushing his buddy onto the couch next to his roommate. "Darling, what do you want here?" "I have got the flyers!" Brian called, waving the pile of paper he had been holding in his hand all the time. "Flyer?" Ahh yes of course. A new bass player was urgently needed, otherwise 'Smile' would soon perish. Freddie had recently joined the band as a lead singer. He nodded. "Show me!" he picked one of the leaflets from Brian's hand and examined it.

Just a few days later they were sitting in a measly basement room at a measly table on measly chairs, holding measly pens in hand and waiting for their new bass player to come in through a measly door. Everything very measly. Nobody came for a long time. The ugly wall clock ticked so loudly that Roger wanted to knock it over. Suddenly it rumbled outside. They all listened. "I knew someone was coming!" Freddie called and slammed his hand on the measly table. "Remember," said Brian, "we need someone who can play really well!" "And what about the character?" Asked Roger. "I definitely don't want to have any imbeciles in the band!" "How do you define imbeciles," Brian began. "Hello?" Suddenly said a soft, charming voice. "My name is John Rich-" Then the young man stumbled and fell. "I want that one!" Said Freddie with tears in his eyes and began to applaud. The possible new bass player got up and hastily finished his sentence "... John Richard Deacon and I was born on August 19, '51"


	2. Happy Birthday Deaky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2, in wich Roger trips and Deaky gets Cake

Deaky exceeded all expectations. He was cute and quiet, and at the same time the most brazen, quick-witted, sassy bitch on the planet. Not to mention his bass playing. In short: he was perfect. A few months had passed when Freddie expressed a wish to record an album. "Here," he said proudly. "My new composition"

\--I have sinned dear father, father I have sinned--

\--try and help me father, Won't you let me in-- Liar, Oh nobody believes me--

"Kind of depressing," said Roger dryly, lighting a cigarette. "I like it," said Brian. Freddie shrugged. "Is only a first draft!" "How are we supposed to be able to afford an album, where do you get the money from for the recordings?" Deaky asked quietly. Freddie shook his head. "We'll get it together!"

It was August 18, a day before Deaky's 21st birthday. It had to be perfect. However, it was already 10:30 p.m. Roger stood in front of a baking book in the kitchen, a bottle of rum in his hand. "Can't be that difficult," he murmured, taking a sip of rum.

It was 12:20 am when Deaky and Brian entered the flat. "Roger what happened !?" Brian exclaimed excitedly when he saw his band mate lying on the floor. Roger scrambled to his feet, saw Deaky, and pounced on him. He clawed his hands in his t-shirt to keep from falling over. "OHHH! Johnny boy," he slurred a little too loudly in Deaky's ear. He broke away, took a step back and Roger fell over in front of him. He hurriedly pulled himself up on the door frame. He stood there shakily. "What are you doing here anyway?" Asked Deaky. "You're drunk?" Roger bowed his head sadly and hoisted. "Well, I wanted to make you a cake with rum for your birthday ...". With a theatrical sigh, he staggered to the kitchen counter. "But now it's just cake ...". Roger picked up a plate of cake. "... and I'm drunk ..." Then he tipped back, two seconds early to be caught by Brian. He hit his head on the dirty tiles and was instantly unconscious.

The ambulance arrived about ten minutes later. Roger sat dazed on the couch and had a medic bandaged his head. "Briaaan," called Roger. "Yes?". Brian had been awake far too long and suppressed a yawn. "Don't you think I look like a pirate now?" Roger giggled and stroked the exasperated medic's hair. "Yes .. yes ...". Brian didn't know what to say. Roger stuck his hand in his shirt. He jerked to the Sani. "And you my friend?" He sneered. "What do you do for a living?" The young man rolled his eyes and sat up. To Brian and Deaky, he said, "We'll have to take him with us ... It's quite likely a concussion and with that amount of alcohol it could be dangerous." Brian nodded and stifled another yawn. "It's okay," said Deaky. "I can go with 'em." "But it's your birthday ..." Brian replied. "Johnny it's your birthday?" Roared Roger from the stretcher on which the paramedics had put him. Deaky gave a dry laugh. Then he said goodbye to Brian and hurried after the doctors, who lifted the wriggling Roger out.

"John?". Roger blinked foggy. He felt miserable and guilty. "Oh you're awake!" Deaky sat up quickly. He was sitting next to Roger's bedside in room 205. "I'm sorry ... I..I .. I .." "Darling, what happened? How are you? Sweetie come here! Let yourself be pushed!". Freddie stormed towards Roger, who was close to tears and felt like he was going to throw up. Freddie didn't notice. He plopped down on the covers and took Roger's hand. He was wearing a white shirt, tight leather pants, and a black jacket with white flowers on it. "Darling, you're really cold! Here take my jacket!" He put the jacket around Roger's shoulders. "I really just wanted to give you a cake!" He started again. "It's all right, Rog," Deaky cut him off. "E..really?". Roger sighed in relief. At that moment Brian came into the room with a box. "Happy Birthday Deaky!", He called and with a 'Tadaaa' he brought a small cake in the form of a bass guitar to light.


	3. Queen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 3, in wich Roger plays too fast and Deaky gets angry

When Roger was allowed to leave the hospital, Freddie had already found a studio where they could record their first album. Everywhere in the apartment there were pieces of paper on which the most recent song ideas were written.

The studio wasn't exactly big, but there was room enough. They started with 'Keep yourself alive'. Roger punched out a flawless drum solo. Brian objected, however. "You play too fast," he called through the microphone. Roger sighed in exasperation. "That was good, what's your problem?" "Roger, you have to calm yourself a little more down if you understand what I mean!" "I understand that you have no idea Brian!" Roger called back. "Roger, that has nothing to do with any idea! It was just too fast! Every layperson will notice that!" Brian hissed angrily into the microphone. "Darlings calm down!" Freddie had pushed Brian away. "I'm very calm, but Brian .." "Roger, it's good now! Do it again, we don't want to waste time!"

The best thing about the studio was a small break room with bunk beds where you could rest. Freddie awkwardly swung onto one of the upper beds. "Guys!" He called. "There's a really ugly monster under my bed!" Roger, who was under him, held out two middle fingers.

When Brian came into the studio kitchen after his nap, Deaky and Freddie argued. "Last time, Fred!" Said Deaky loudly. "It's called cauliflower, not 'ghost broccoli'!" "Be quiet, John!" Screamed Freddie. "I know exactly what I saw!" "How long has this been going on?" Asked Brian Roger, who was leaning against the counter and watched the spectacle amused. "'Just a few minutes, but I want to see where it goes!"

After the debate ended, the band continued recording. They had wasted far too much time and had to hurry. Freddie sang his soul out of his body, Deaky almost fell off his fingers while playing, Roger got snap breaths and Brian leaned back so far on one of his solos that he fell over. At the end of the week, they happily held their first record of their own. "Insanity," Roger murmured, turning it in his hands. They had agreed to name the album Queen. "Queen ..." he whispered to himself. "That's it!" He suddenly called. "Queen, that's us! Let's leave Smile behind and start a new era with this band name! Let's write music history!" "Wow, since when have you been a good speaker?" Brian teased. "Queen ..." said Freddie. "It's a really good idea! Would you all agree?"

Everyone nodded.


	4. Rainy Days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 4, in wich Freddie doesn't drink shampoo and a TV breaks.

"Hey Freddie,". Brian came excitedly into the kitchen on a rainy morning, where Freddie was leaning against the counter and looking tiredly out of the window while he waited for the water to finish boiling. "I wanted to show you a photo from last night that really upset me!" Freddie was suddenly wide awake. "Ok, ok ... But in my defense, Roger bet me twenty pounds that I couldn't drink all that shampoo .. So .." he exclaimed angrily. "No, that's actually not what I ... YOU DRANK SHAMPOO ?!" Brian made a face. "What? .. No, Uh". Deaky entered the kitchen and released Freddie. Brian dropped onto the couch. "I don't want to know anyway..." "What is it?" Asked Deaky. "Freddie was drinking shampoo!" "I didn't!" "Doesn't matter". Brian sighed. At that moment Roger hopped into the room, leaned over Brian, and put his hands in front of his eyes. "Guess who!" He called. "I'm afraid it's either Roger or the cold, clammy hand of death ...". "It's Roger!" Beamed Roger, spreading his arms triumphantly. Brian shook his head wearily and stood up. "Where are you going?" Roger asked disappointed. "To bed!". "That's where you just came from!" "I know!" "But Im bored!" "Scrabble?" Deaky asked and went to the closet to get the game box. "Yeah!" Roger shouted enthusiastically. "God, Rog, you're acting like a toddler," Brian grumbled and sat down again.

Roger started. "I'm writing 'A'". Then it was Deaky's turn. "I'll make it 'at'." It was Freddie's turn. "'Rat'!", he said proudly. "Well, on my own ... Then I'll make 'Biostratigraphic' ..." silence. Then Roger knocked the board over. He went out of the room and they heard a loud crack, then a thud.

"Oh no," said Deaky, "Roger has thrown the television out the window again!"


	5. the bet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 5, in wich there is a plant and Jane Fonda breaks into pieces.

"FOUR MONTHS!!!!". Furious, Roger ran after Brian, who sat next to Deaky in the living room. "What is he talking about?" Asked the latter and straightened up. "It's not that big deal ..." Brian started. "NO? THIS IS THE TIME YOU STOOD BY WATCHING ME WATERING A FAKE PLANT!". Roger grunted "WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOUR DEFENSE?" "I .. I ... I thought it was funny?" Brian stifled a giggle. "VERY FUNNY!" Roared Roger. "I'm tired!" He said softly. "What?". Brian got up and was two heads taller than Roger. "You always make fun of me!" Roger crossed his arms. "Hey Rog, that's not true ..". Brian started to stroke his band mate, but the man jerked back. "Oh yeah? How long can you stand being kind to me?" Deaky rose. "Yes Brian, how long can you take that?" He laughed and went to the kitchen. "Come on Roger, is that really the reason why you feel so attacked?" Asked Brian. "YES! You bonehead .. I bet you, you can't even be nice to me for a week." Roger exclaimed angrily. "Bitch please, I can do that!" Said Brian, raising an eyebrow. "If you can't make it, I'll get your RedSpecial!" "Never! You can't play the guitar well enough to have something valuable .. Forget it!" Brian cried, startled. "You see, mean again!" Said Roger triumphantly. "Oh Brian," said Deaky, putting a pot of tea on the coffee table. "At least try it, and if you can't make it Roger can touch your stupid guitar." "It's not stupid!" Brian said. "But it's okay to touch." "That is not enough for me!" Said Roger. "I want to play on it!" "All right, but what will I get if I can do it?" "We will decide when the time comes, but this will probably not happen anyway."

"And you really agreed, Lovie?" Asked Freddie with interest. "Sure!" Said Brian. "I can do it easily." What if he accidentally drops the guitar? "" Bold to believe that he will ever hold it in his hands! ".

Roger entered the room and Brian immediately put on a beaming smile. "Hey Rog, how are you?" "Fine," said Roger cheerfully. "I'm looking forward to the Red Special!" "Oh, well, you said it! Because of yesterday ... I bought you a new plant!". Brian reached behind and pulled out a small potted plant with a red bow on it. "It is real, believe me!" "Well .. thank you .. I guess .." said Roger. "But don't think that will iron out all of your mistakes!" Then he disappeared from the room.

The days passed and Brian held on until the bitter end. On the last day, he made coffee for everyone. Deaky had been on his way to the living room when Roger happily came up to him. "Hey John!" "Why in such a good mood?" Asked Deaky uncertainly. "Brian and I are going to make the lift!" "WHAT?" Deaky called. They entered the living room together. "Sure, Brian is nice to me. If I jump over to him, he will definitely catch me!" "Roger, what are you talking about?" Asked Brian from the kitchen. He went to the couch. Roger ran towards him. "Rog, NO! I'M HOLDING COFFEE!". But it was too late. Brian dropped the cup, which shattered on the floor, and caught Roger.

Brian yelled at Roger for half an hour. Freddie and Deaky stood there indecisively. The whole floor was wet and shattered. "Oh no," Freddie murmured, "Roger's favorite cup ...". Deaky swallowed, ready for the storm, when Roger would notice. When Brian finished preaching his morality, Roger laughed. "What's so funny ?!" Brian snorted. "You said asshole at least seven times!" Giggled Roger. "Not very nice of you ..". Then he fell silent, looking at the broken glass. "Brian .." he said softly, it was hardly a whisper. "Is this my Jane Fonda Fan Cup, the limited edition ..?". "Well .." Brian gave a pitiful whimper. "Not nice .. Brian, not nice at all!". Roger pushed Brian aside with tears in his eyes. "How could you..??". He screamed and cried as if he had just lost his whole family. "You know how much it means to me !!". "Roger, I ..", Brian pulled desperately to Roger, who sobbed in Brian's arms. He suddenly started laughing again. "Your guitar, Brian .." he laughed out loud. "Where's your guitar?"


	6. Rogers talent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 6, in wich Roger has no talent at all.

"Brian, you think dragons fart fire?" It was one of those days that didn't want to be set in motion at all. Brian put his paper aside and looked at Deaky questioningly. "I... don't know." "I thought you went to college!" Deaky said indignantly. Roger came running into the kitchen. "Hey, can I bother you a minute?" he asked. "You're always bothering us, but go on talking," said Brian, sipping his tea. "Okay, so I saw a girl shopping earlier and she was beautiful... We had a quick chat and she gave me her phone number. We'll meet up on Saturday." "That's great," Brian said. "Yeah, but I don't know what to say." Roger seemed desperate. "Just be yourself and everything will be fine," Brian suggested. "Yes, say something nice," Deaky added. "What the hell? I can't do both." "Then impress her with your talents," Brian said. "You can do so many things." He hesitated. "Thanks, Brian, you're a big help." Roger put his head on the counter. "Rog, we'll find something!" Deaky said confidently, patting Roger on the shoulder.

Roger was on fire to find a talent to impress the girl. Freddie tried to teach him how to stand properly on a skateboard, but Roger was a hopeless case. After two hours he managed to stand up straight and wobble-free for the first time. "Look, Fred, I've got it." Freddie had an urge to push Roger off the board. "Damn it, Freddie, don't fucking do this!" Roger yelled and went back inside.

***

Brian had just sat down on the couch with Deaky when a bloodcurdling scream came from Roger's room. "What the-!" He turned around, startled. Freddie came into the room. "Don't worry, he's trying to make a dinosaur movie."

***

Deaky unsuspectingly opened the bathroom door. He was all the more surprised to see Roger sitting in the middle of hair products. "What's that supposed to be?" he asked insecurely and pointed to Roger's head, on which, in a strange way, two hornlike braids had formed. "I tried some hairstyles?" Roger lowered his head. "Oh, Roger... Why don't you just tell her you're rich. Maybe that's enough.".

***

"Okay Roger, do you know any jokes?" Brian asked cheerfully. "Go on, tell one." "Um...how do you make a policeman sad?", Roger asked tiredly. "I don't know...how?", Freddie asked back. "Kill his family." "Rog, what the fuck!"

***

Roger was unhappier than ever. He had tried everything, to no avail. And now it was too late. It was Friday. By the next day he'd have to think of an excuse not to see the girl. Since he was really not feeling well, he told her he was sick.

On Saturday morning there was a knock at the door. Brian opened it and faced a girl with long brown hair and deep brown eyes. "Hey," she said shyly. "Is Roger in?". Roger ran into the hall, pushed Brian aside, hugged her and whispered, "Hey, Dominique."


	7. I can't come up with a good title

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 7, in wich Freddie is annoyed and Roger does maths real quick

It was time to record a third one after two successful albums. So the band got together in the studio. Freddie was in an extremely bad mood, not least because of Roger, who had practiced his falsetto all day. "Come on, Fred, calm down! What's wrong with you today?" said Deaky and wanted to pat his band mate on the back, but was rejected. "Oh, you don't remember what it feels like to be my age!" cried Freddie dramatically. "I am almost five years younger than you," Deaky replied. The other two entered the recording room. "Shall we start then?" Roger asked in a good mood. "And can we please start with Lap of the gods? I've been preparing for this all day!"  
When they finished with the first recordings, Brian once again had something to criticize about Roger's drum playing. "Roger, I've had enough of this. You're always too fast," he shouted. "That's not true at all!", Roger countered. "Maybe you're just too slow!" "Yeah, sure, keep dreaming!". They went into the changing room. "Why don't you just admit your faults for once, then-" He broke off abruptly. They looked confused at Freddie, who was sitting on a bench in his underwear, a bowl of cornflakes in his hand. Surprised, he looked at them. "Um...". Roger scratched his head. "We didn't mean to... I mean I didn't mean to..." He gave up. "Rog darling, calm down!" Freddie stood up and put the bowl in his bandmate's hand. "Want some?".

The next morning they left the studio. They'd had a bit of a drink the day before, to make the recordings more fun. It had definitely worked. Freddie had been so drunk that he couldn't stand up straight, so he'd fallen down at every other word. Now, when they opened the door and were expected by some reporters, he was still staggering threateningly. One of the reporters fell on Freddie and held a microphone under his nose. "You have great news for us today, as you hinted at the other day, Mr. Mercury!" "Do I?" Freddie asked in surprise and blinked. "Yes!" replied the reporter. Freddie shook his head at great effort. "What is it?" He grabbed Brian by the wrist and dragged him behind him, through the reporters. The other two followed unsettled.

Back home, Freddie jumped on the couch and fell asleep. Brian and Roger continued their debate. "Brian, I've been thinking and I've noticed you're not perfect either!" Roger started. "Oh no?" Brian asked mockingly. "No!", Roger said determinedly."Remember the day before yesterday when you counted 27 times 130?" "Yes... so?". "It took forever, so I can definitely calculate faster than you!" Roger claimed, crossing his arms. "Can you?"."Remember the day before yesterday when you counted 27 times 130?" "Yes... so?". "It took forever, so I can definitely calculate faster than you!" Roger claimed, crossing his arms. "Can you do it?". Brian had to laugh."What's 76 times 50?". "24" Roger said without thinking. "That's not even close." Brian replied. "But fast!" Roger triumphed. "He's got you there" cried Deaky from the next room.


	8. Party's over

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 8, in wich Brian gets sparkly and Deaky is embarrassed by a tiger.

"Come on, Bri!" Roger looked Brian in the eye with his puppy-dog eyes. "I don't know, Rog, why do you want to go partying again? And why aren't Freddie and Deaky enough for you?" "The real question is, why don't you want to go?" Roger shook his head in annoyance. "Well Roger, don't you ever have that voice in your head that tells you not to do certain things?" Brian asked. "Nope." Roger sat down on the couch. "Wow!" said Brian and sat down beside him. "What? Roger looked at him questioningly. "That explains you so much." Brian said flat out. All of a sudden, they heard a loud rumble coming from the hallway. "Deaky?" he cried. "Yes?" it came back. "What was that?". "Oh, my jacket fell!" said Deaky and came into the living room. "That sounded a bit louder than a jacket." Roger said. "Yes, well, I was in it when it fell." Deaky muttered.  
Freddie joined in. He was very glamorously dressed, as usual. Roger had put on a white shirt and had not yet bothered to button it up. He was wearing a sort of black vest over it and absolutely ready for the evening.  
A few minutes later they had arrived at the run-down disco. It wasn't long before Roger and Freddie, drunk, poured a glass filled with glitter over Brian. As he staggered through the room like a disco ball and tried to find the washrooms without orientation, Deaky pushed him over. Brian screamed like a banshee; a sign for the other three to get out of the way.

The three of them sat pressed together in the broom closet of the disco and hid from Brian. "Roger?", Freddie asked. He wanted to stimulate a conversation. "What colour is Deaky's shirt?" "Grey, I'd say..." said Roger and burped loudly. "No, no, Rog! That's definitely light grey!" slurred Freddie. "Isn't that grey?", asked Roger irritated. Freddie made a pejorative sound and rolled his eyes. "Once again, you're so clueless," he rebuked, shaking his head. "Whatever, Deaky what colour shirt do you think you're wearing?" Roger looked at Deaky. He pulled his head in and muttered, "Dark white..."

The discussion was cut short when Brian, still sparkling, stumbled in. "Noooow" he shouted and staggered threateningly. "Y'all got a problem..."

Brian apologised hundreds of times after accidentally hitting Deaky in the face.

His nose was bleeding, but that wasn't serious because Brian was also injured. Roger had given him a black eye after his theatrical appearance. As a result Freddie had smashed a chair on Roger's head. When the chair went down, Brian had punched Freddie in the stomach. Freddie had thrown up on Roger who was lying on the floor and Brian had retreated. He had grabbed the clothes rack behind the door and it had fallen on Deaky. 

"Really, John, it wasn't intentional," he kept insisting. Deaky waved again and again. "It's all right, Bri." A paramedic had stuck an embarrassing tiger plaster on his nose. Afterwards, Roger and Freddie were taken to hospital. "Wouldn't we rather go to Rog and Fred's?" Brian wiped the glitter off his face and sighed. "Deaky, who's gonna drive? We've both been drinking." At that moment, Dominique came around the corner. "Hey, I just saw Freddie in the ambulance... What happened?" she asked. "You'll certainly be interested to know that Roger was in the car too..." Deaky said quickly. Dominique clasped her hands in front of her face. "Oh God!" she shouted. "We have to go to him! Come on, I'll drive!". 

"Why do our party anecdotes always have to end up in the hospital?", Brian asked, shaking his head, spreading glitter around the room with every movement. Roger was in the same hospital room as always (he was a regular customer at the hospital by now), Dominique sat next to him on the edge of the bed and stroked his hair lovingly. He had a thick bandage around his head again. Freddie sat in the next bed, a drip on his hand and yawned. "If only I knew, darling..." Deaky had buried his face in his hands to hide the plaster. "Roger and Freddie are to blame for this!" his nasal voice boasted in a hushed voice. "Ey!", Roger put on. "Yes, yes" said Brian. "That makes sense. You're always to blame."


	9. Studio Days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 9, in wich Roger is furious and Deaky buys croissants.

"I'm going to the baker's now. Anyone want something?" They had been sitting in the studio for hours, working on the recordings of their third album Sheer heart attack. "Peace on Earth," Freddie said. "True love," Brian philosophised. "My grandpa to be alive." cried Roger. "Yeah," said Deaky, stretched out. "I've got like 12 pounds..."

***

When Deaky came back with a bag of croissants, he heard Roger scream as soon as he opened the door. "Where are my fucking drumsticks?" "Roger, language!" Brian cautioned. "Whatever...So I might know the whereabouts of my fucking drumsticks?" said Roger and raised his eyebrows. "Freddie put his chair on them and now they're broken!" Deaky said apathetically. Brian threw a deadly glance at him. "FREDDIE HAS DONE WHAT??" yelled Roger. He ran out of the room.

Freddie had hidden fast enough and Roger, blind with rage, had just walked past him. After he had calmed down, Freddie dared to leave his hiding place. Roger grabbed two of his spare drumsticks. "And?" Freddie asked cautiously. "What do we do next?". "Oh, how about Killer Queen," hissed Roger, stressing the "killer". 

She keeps her Moët et Chandon

in her pretty cabinet

"Let them eat cake", she says

Just like Marie Antoinette

"Who is that supposed to be, anyway?" mumbled Roger, who had previously only listlessly grazed his drums. "Darling, you don't know who Marie Antoinette is?" Freddie shook his head sadly. "Freddie, I think this is not the time!" Deaky whispered in his ear. "So do I!" said Roger. "We're going to do this again, and I don't want anybody to get lost," he threatened. They played the song through once, then they were done for the day.

***

"Isn't it strange that people kill mosquitoes just because they're annoying?" Freddie asked the group. "Wow you're right!" said Roger. He had forgiven Freddie the drama of the morning after the latter had got him two new drumsticks. "If people did this to each other; Brian would have killed me years ago!"


	10. the spider

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 10, in wich Roger already won the fight over IILWMC and Deaky throws with toasters.

Since Roger had pushed through his song, he had become the most grateful and at the same time most obnoxious person on earth. Every day he crawled after the other band members, complimented them and thanked them on his knees. Until one day Brian turned around, unnerved, to pierce Roger with the 'I'll kill you and all consequences don't matter' look.

When Brian entered the kitchen this afternoon, he found Roger crouching on the fridge, a tennis racket in his hand. "What are you doing?" he asked. "What ? Can't I just sit here? Perhaps I like sitting here?" Roger replied shakily. "Where's the spider?" Brian asked, grinning. "Behind the toaster." mumbled Roger in shame. "Rog, there's nothing to be afraid of," said Brian and examined the animal that was sitting peacefully behind the kitchen appliance. "She's probably more afraid of you than you are of her!" Roger backed away a little more. "Oh, yeah? Did she tell you that?" Brian reached for a cup and wanted to put it over the spider and slide a leaf under it, but the spider crawled into the toaster without further ado. Roger screamed.

For the next few days Roger only entered the kitchen when it was really necessary. This led to strange situations. Deaky was rather confused as he pushed his way past Roger through the kitchen door while he tried to fish the cookie jar off the shelf with a rod. Another time Roger came wobbling down the hall on Freddie's shoulders. But he had misjudged the height of the door frame and bumped against it with a muffled sound. Freddie spent the rest of the day making fun of it and Deaky had to laugh so hard that he got a nosebleed. Roger, on the other hand, sat on the floor with his arms crossed. So it became a habit that Roger sat with his plate in front of the open door during meals.

"Oh, God, darling!" Freddie said to Deaky one day. "Why are we having ghost broccoli again?" "CAULIFLOWER! it's called cauliflower! DAMN IT, I CAN'T STAND IT!". Deaky grabbed the toaster and smashed it in Freddy's direction. He could barely get out of the way and the device flew through the window pane. "Well, that's great," said Brian, who'd just joined it. "John, you really shouldn't have done that now." Deaky giggled. Freddie rolled his eyes. Roger, on the other hand, came storming into the kitchen. "She's gone! "She's gone, isn't she? She's gone, isn't she? She's gone! Someone threw the toaster out the window! That means she's gone!". The others looked at each other with a blank stare. A tear of joy rolled down Roger's face in loneliness. "SHE'S GONE!".


	11. mischievousness is the most beautiful joy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 11, in wich Deaky bleeds a lot and rocks get kicked.

"OW, OW, OW!" Roger hopped into the apartment on one leg. "What happened?" Brian asked. "I was letting off anger and I threw a rock at my foot." "You're really beyond help," Brian replied. Freddie came up behind Roger with tears in his eyes. "And what about you? "It was incredibly funny. He was so angry he kicked the rock with his other foot." Freddie cried out with laughter. Brian noticed the handkerchief in Deaky's nose. "What about you?" "Oh, I laughed so hard, a blood vessel burst in my nose, I'm fine!" "Wow, I can't let you go anywhere on your own!" Brian noted admiringly.

Towards evening, Roger and Brian returned from the doctor's He had said that it was nothing serious. When they came into the kitchen, Freddie laughed again. "Did it hurt when you fell?" he asked Roger. "Fell? From heaven?". Roger smiled. "No, you moron! Out of the car. You tripped and lay there for a few seconds!" Roger was silent and Freddie got serious. "We all saw it!" Roger noticed the new handkerchief in Deaky's nose. "Maybe you should get that checked out..." he said faintly.

The next morning, Roger's streak of bad luck continued. When he came into the living room and spread his arms to greet Freddie and Brian, he slapped Deaky's right hand in the face. Roger couldn't decide between 'I'm fucking sorry' and 'Are you in a lot of pain?' so he panicked and shouted, 'Are you fucking sorry?' Deaky, on the verge of a confused nervous breakdown, stood in the doorway with his eyes wide open and his nose bleeding again. "W..Why is that?" Roger punched himself in the forehead.

***

"Have you ever noticed how impossible it is to say the word 'bubbles' in anger?" Deaky asked, a handkerchief up his nose. Roger shook his head in disbelief.

Twenty minutes later, Brian walked into the room very confused. "Can someone explain to me why Roger has been standing on the roof for ages, screaming 'Bubbels' in rage?" Deaky was noisily sipping his tea. Suddenly Roger was silent, but a shadow flew off the roof. "Please don't tell me that..." Brian jumped up and ran outside, where Roger had already straightened up. "All is well!" he said. Freddie had tea squirted out of his nose and Deaky now had to put a handkerchief in the other nostril as well.


	12. Where is Roger?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 12, in wich Killer Queen is in the radio and Freddie is bad at ironing.

Roger, Brian and Freddie stood in a beer garden to prepare Freddie's birthday. "Balloons are funny," Roger moaned. "I mean 'Happy Birthday! Here, a plastic bag filled with my breath!'" He giggled. "I might as well blow Freddie in the face."

They went to the supermarket to do their last shopping before the party. To make sure he didn't get lost, Brian put Roger in the shopping cart. Deaky danced in front of them in a good mood. He had already treated himself to a two pints of beer beforehand. Killer Queen was playing on the supermarket radio. "Wow, we should cover that song!" "John...That's us!". Deaky stopped short. Brian sighed and, lost in thought, packed some things into the cart. 

Back home Deaky and Brian started to bake the birthday cake, this time without alcohol. Over time Brian became restless; something was wrong. "Deaky, don't you think it's very quiet?" "So what? It's good for a change." Then they stopped. "Shit," Brian said. "We left Roger at the store.  
In the meantime, Roger walked the streets unconcerned. He had stolen a lollipop, which he now ate with relish.

Brian and Deaky jumped into the car with Freddie, who had arrived in the meantime. Brian drove. "Freddie, before we left you were ironing something... Did you unplug the iron?"

\--silence--

"Oh, God, Freddie! The house is gonna burn down!" yelled Brian. "Calm down, Brian! It wasn't even plugged in!" Deaky said absently. "Wait, you saw me ironing without the iron on and didn't tell me?". Freddie was disappointed. "With what I saw, it's better for all of us."

Freddie was about to strangle Deaky from the back seat when they arrived at the supermarket. There they found that Roger had already left. "Great!". Brian was pulling his hair out. "Now what?" "Darlings, Roger's not stupid..." Freddie looked at two faces that were about to change. "Well, maybe a little, but he knows our address." "OK!" said Deaky. "I have a plan. "A good plan?" Brian asked hopefully. "Well... a plan. "Two of us will walk home. One of us will go ahead and wait. "Sounds reasonable." Brian sighed.

So Freddie got in the car and Brian and Deaky were walking through the streets. "Deaky, the thing I wanted to ask you..." Brian started. And Deaky got in his mouth. "I didn't want to eat your cupcakes! I know they were for the party, but Freddie made me eat them and..." "You know... I... never mind." Annoyed, Brian shook his head. They went on in silence. Without finding Roger.

When they got to the apartment, Brian was devastated. "Where can he be?" Deaky patted him mercifully on the back. "He'll turn up. Besides, he's a grown man!" he said. Freddie opened the door. "You haven't found him?" he asked, glancing around the hallway. "No!". Brian looked down. "He's still gone!"

And the phone rang. "Oh, that must be Roger. Probably knocked on the wrong house and now he wants us to pick him up." Deaky rejoiced. Brian grabbed the phone. "Hello? Roger?" It wasn't Roger. A deep voice answered. "Hello, Brian, we got your wife!" They all huddled around the phone to listen. Brian hesitated. "But I... don't have a wife." He looked at the others in confusion. Freddie shrugged. "No? Well then who's the cute blonde who spat in our faces and called us fucking bitches, then? Brian held his breath. Deaky was saying what everyone was thinking. "Oh, my God, they've kidnapped Roger!"


	13. I see a little silhouetto of a man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 13, in wich Freddie feels cool and someone keeps losing at Tic Tac Toe.

A few minutes later the police arrived. A small, fat officer came waving at them. "What does the missing person look like? We need a description of the person." As Brian had a nervous breakdown and Deaky talked calmly to him, Freddie did the talking. "Well, he's not very tall, very blond, and he loves cars." The policeman frowned. "Well, first of all, ..."

After Freddie had described the events of the last few hours as best he could, the policemen went to the supermarket to look for clues. In vain... No one had seen or heard anything. They walked home, but found nothing there either. It seemed hopeless. Brian got gasping, Deaky found this sight so funny that he had to laugh and another blood vessel exploded in his nose. Freddie sat in the police car and felt cooler than ever.

The next morning dawned. Roger was still missing. "Why would someone kidnap Roger and not bring him back within an hour?" Deaky asked. "He's so annoying!" 

Freddie needed alcohol badly. He went into the basement of the apartment building to get some champagne. He opened the basement door and found that he had already drunk the champagne and the light bulb was broken. He grabbed the flashlight and a beer with a sigh and was about to go back upstairs when he heard something: "You bonehead, you've lost again, bitch!" Freddie hesitated. "If you fuck up again, I can leave, OK?" A mumbling sound that Freddie couldn't understand was the answer. "Roger?" Timidly, he shone his flashlight into the other basement rooms. At the end of the corridor he saw shadows moving. "You're not even tied up, and yet I'm better!" No doubt, that was Roger.

"Listen, blondie..." Freddie leaned forward a bit so he could understand everything. "I tied you up and only I can untie you. So shut the fuck up!". Freddie moved closer. He could now see into the room. He was dimly lit with a candle. Freddie could only see silhouettes. There were two of them. One rather small and narrow, with longer hair, tied to a chair, the other tall and fat, without hair. "I see a little Silhouetto of a man," Freddie hummed involuntarily.

The fat man stood up. He was huge. Roger tried to stand up too, a miserable attempt. "Why are we sitting here playing Tic Tac Toe?" asked the gloomy voice. "I don't know, you tell me!" Roger seemed relatively fearless. "My son, gets married!" "What me?". Roger had to laugh. Freddie was amazed. "You're a sweetheart, you'll like him, just stop struggling!". "For the last time... I'm NOT A GIRL!".

And Freddie burst out laughing.


End file.
